Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize