I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
