I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I enjoy the company of your penis
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