It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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