Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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