I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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