At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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