His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
