You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
ttyl tear gas
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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