My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize