She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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