Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
