all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
