i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
