If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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