I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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