There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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