somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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