whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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