I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
