I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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