I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
