and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Floor bacon is actually really good
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize