Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Randomize
