I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
