my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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