You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
