the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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