Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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