if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
