we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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