I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
