I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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