I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
