I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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