You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
