I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I am midnight drunk by noon
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
