this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
