Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
