i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
