I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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