So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
