I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
