True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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