I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
