if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
