All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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