I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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