I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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