In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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