omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
they're like a gay fantastic four
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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