you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
