if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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