she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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