God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
