No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
