The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
