one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
