I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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