worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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