After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
