Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
