Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
i think i just lost a toe
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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