I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
