did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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