Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
