you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
