Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
