she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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