Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
