don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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