I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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