Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
