It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
