I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
