she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
