Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
